Friday, March 30, 2012

Making Yourself Crazy

Things have been just a little crazy in my world lately. Between Alex's appointments, bills, Kaitlyn's appointments, and everything else going on I feel like the woman in this picture. Things have been so busy that I even forgot to pay our utility bill.  I remembered 2 days after it was due and was so tired by that point that I just shrugged my shoulders and told Jacob I'd pay it tomorrow (which was today).  I have paid that bill on the same day every month for years and for some reason with everything we have going on it completely slipped my mind--which irritates me to no end.

Yesterday Kaitlyn was crying and the boys were both wanting things.  You know the story--the phone is ringing, the baby is crying, and you hear, "Mom. mom. MOM?"  over and over and over again.  I finally turned to the boys and, through clenched teeth stated, "There are three of you and only one of me.  Please give me a minute."

Jacob's grandfather fell a couple of weeks ago and shattered his hip.  He had to have surgery and we were all concerned about how things would go.  I have been with Jacob for 12 years and I remember the first time I met his grandfather.  He was funny and sweet and I liked him from the moment I met him.  I was very relieved when everything turned out okay.

Then this past week my grandmother fell and cracked her skull and had to have surgery.  I am very happy to report that she seems to be doing well.  I haven't been able to go to the hospital as often as I would like because of my kids' schedules, Alex's especially. It has been crazy.  Alex missed therapies he really doesn't need to be missing. We have been meeting with Alex's teachers and therapists to try and figure out what is best for him for next year--it has NOT been easy and we still don't know what the right thing to do is (I hate when that happens).

To top it all off for some reason people have chosen to criticize me this week.  Even complete strangers asked me questions about my parenting or offered unwanted advice. I went from feeling okay about my extra weight since Kaitlyn to REALLY not liking myself.  I started to question whether or not I was a good mom because of all the comments I had received throughout the week.  My poor husband probably got tired of reassuring me that I AM a good mother and that I don't look like a nasty, grotesque, hideous creature since having Kaitlyn. I try to stay positive, but when people are constantly making comments and criticizing it starts to wear on you after awhile and you start wondering if they are right. There is this little voice in your head that tells you that no one will love you if you're not beautiful.  No one will love you if you're not perfect.  The thing that struck me this afternoon is . . . WHO is the authority on what is beautiful?  And since no one is perfect why do we make ourselves crazy worrying about how we look, what size pants we wear, what we eat.  An even better question is why do people go out of their way to make other people feel bad?

Here's to treating each other with kindness and respect and NOT letting the world (or people) around us make us crazy.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Special Boy With Special Needs

Life as a parent is never easy.  You have to make decisions day after day regarding your children.  As a parent, you only want what is best for your children.  We have three children and our oldest, Alex, is a special needs child.  It took me a while to accept those two words . . . "special needs."  Doctors used them.  Therapists used them.  Eventually, I watched Alex with his younger brother and realized that every one was right and I was just being hard-headed.  Alex was . . . and is . . . a special needs child.  
And, quite frankly, all that really means to me now is that he is just extra special.  

Logan is one day shy of being 16 months younger than Alex.  They have always been close, which we now know has been really good for Alex. Logan will interpret for Alex when we can't understand what he needs/wants. Logan will take up for Alex if they are at a playground or some other place and children are bothering Alex.  Having Logan has been great for Alex . . . and I'm pretty sure having Alex has been great for Logan, too.  :)  

Making decisions about Logan seem easier these days.  They always seem black or white--we know what he needs and we can make a decision to do it.  Things with Alex aren't so easy, though . Nothing ever seems black and white--everything just seems gray.  Decisions don't come easy.  Every decision comes with a lot of discussion, covering every possible angle and "what if," worrying, stressing, praying, second guessing ourselves and sleepless nights. We just want what is best for Alex.  He has to work twice as hard as other children his age and still struggles.  He has so many therapies and things going on--there are times when he just seems done with it and doesn't care to mess with it anymore. I can't say that I blame him. 

Jacob and I are currently struggling over a decision regarding Alex that has occupied a lot of our time and thoughts. Those of you who know Alex know what an amazing little guy he is.  I know that as his mother I'm partial, but I know of many of you who would agree with me.  We want to do what is best for Alex.  We also want him to know how amazing and smart he is.  We want him to know how rich our lives are just because he is in it (and his siblings, too).  Having Alex has really opened our eyes about a lot of things and it has taught me that children can be some of the most determined people out there.  I am proud of this little guy--proud of everything he has overcome, proud of all that he has accomplished, proud that he never just gives up, and more than anything I'm proud that I get to say he is mine!!  He IS a very special little guy and I am so glad he puts up with us!! ;)  

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Perfect Mom

Is there such a thing as a perfect mother/wife?

I take Alex to therapy twice a week after school.  On Mondays there is this mom there with some of her children who always makes me think of June Cleaver. She always has perfect hair, high heels, cute and stylish clothes and jewelry, and her lip stick is not only ALWAYS on, but it's always straight and perfect.  She home schools her children and she and her husband have a few foster children living with them as well as their own children.  She is one of those women that other women glare at because that little thing known as jealousy tends to rear it's ugly head from time to time.  The only thing is, this woman is sweet and friendly and not rude or snobbish at all.  And let me tell you, she has every right to be rude and snobbish. LOL  I have days where I do well to wear more than jeans and a T-shirt to get the boys to school on time.  I would be sitting in the waiting room waiting on Alex and she would be talking to me and going on and on about how adorable Kaitlyn is and I would be thinking, "How on earth do you do it?"  Yesterday a bunch of the moms were reading The Hunger Games and we were all talking about it.  She smiled and said, "It is on my list of books to read.  Hopefully I'll get to it soon."  She went on to talk about how she is lucky to get any amount of sleep at night and she doesn't have time to clean her house or do the things that other house wives do so she has some one come in twice a week to clean and do laundry.

My mom will be the first to tell you that I am not a girly girl.  I don't like heels and if I don't have time to put on my make up then it just doesn't go on.  I mean it IS the face God gave me and if it is THAT scary it must be for a reason.  We all strive to be the best mom we can be for our children and the best wives we can be for our husbands.  No family is alike--my children are different from other children.  Alex has his issues while other families have a child with different issues. We all do the best we can for our families and you know what . . . none of us are perfect.  The perfect mom doesn't exist.

This doesn't mean we can't all be GREAT moms, though.  Heels, tennis shoes, make up or no make up--in the end none of it matters.  What matters is being the best mom you can be to your children--and THAT puts us one step closer to being the perfect mom!