Selfishness Is Ugly

I listened as a friend shared how she had given up a few things in order to save up money to get a gift for a family member.  She was proud of the gift and couldn't wait to give it.  She later told me that the gift was received with much less excitement than she had hoped and that the person later mentioned that she had asked for something else and was disappointed that she didn't get it.  Sadly, I can remember doing this exact same thing to people as a teenager or in my early 20s.  However, when you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s . . . etc. you should be well past this "Me, me, me," mentality. I think back on selfish moments I had as a young adult and I feel embarrassed.  Meanwhile, people twice my age are out there still doing it and not giving it a second thought.  Wow.  I just don't get that!

Where have we, as humans, gone wrong?  So many put so much time and energy into material things and their own selfish nature. Let me state that there are no laws forcing people to give you gifts for any holiday or occasion and there are certainly no laws stating that people are to give you only what you ask for. My heart went out to this friend who had gone without and saved her money to get this gift for someone only to be met with a callous heart and a twisted sense of entitlement.  Sadly, the world is full of people like this.  The above story probably reminded each of you of at least one person you know who behaves in this manner.  We tell our children that they don't get everything they want, yet there are adults who expect to get everything they want.  But wait . . . there's more!  You go out of your way to try and keep these people happy -- to do whatever it is they want (to feed their selfish nature, so to speak) . . . and they don't see it.  Instead, it wasn't EXACTLY what they wanted or exactly the way they wanted it.  They are sure to let you know about it or make you feel bad about it. There is nothing like going out of your way to try and keep another person happy -- putting their feelings before your own -- only to have them be hateful to you and treat you badly because even though you went out of your way FOR THEM, you didn't do it the exact way they wanted it done and therefore, you failed.  It was a waste of your time; a waste of energy.

Jacob and I often talk about how every person should experience a time in his or her life of being broke.  A time when you manage to pay all of your bills and then try to get that remaining little bit of your paycheck to stretch enough to feed your family until the next paycheck comes through. I think most people have experienced such a time in their lives -- I know we have.  I am thankful for this time.  It is, quite possibly, one of the best things that could have happened to us.  "Why is that?" you ask.  This brings me back to us putting our selfish nature before other people. Humans are selfish; it's just our nature. Put something shiny in front of us and we drool and start calling it, "My precious!" We want what we want and we don't care who we hurt to get it.  Sadly, some people hurt others without even knowing it. They push people away with their selfishness and (here's the funny part) they're too selfish to even notice!  (Some don't even realize this blog is about them! LOL)

I was sitting in a waiting room yesterday with my three gremlins waiting for Logan's glasses to be repaired when Logan and Kaitlyn started fighting over a toy. Alex, growing increasingly annoyed with his siblings, said to Logan, "Just give it to her."  Logan snapped, "I'm making something and I need it."  Alex, after hearing me say this so many times to them, said, "Do you REALLY need it?  You need oxygen.  You need water.  Do you really NEED that toy?"  Logan sighed and said, "No," and handed the toy to Kaitlyn.  We often get what we need and what we want confused.  Logan is an 8-year-old boy, so it's to be expected.  Adults who act in this manner are the ones who baffle me. My kids NEED to eat. My kids NEED clothes and shelter and clean water.  They don't NEED the latest video game system.  They don't NEED a room full of toys.  As an adult I don't NEED a brand new car or a giant house.  When did we lose sight of the difference between need and want?   When did we become so selfish and start putting our own wants before the feelings of others?

Look at the people in your life.  When your day comes to walk through life's exit door what will they say about you?  I am not perfect.  I don't pretend to be perfect.  I am, however, trying diligently to teach my children to put others before themselves. I'm trying to teach my children the difference between what they need and what they want.  I'm also trying to teach them to be caring, loving, understanding, and helpful.  This is what the world needs.  It has met its quota of hateful, selfish, critical people.

Let's all go do something nice for some one else today!

Beauty In The Chaos

The house is quiet.  You're sound asleep, exhausted from the day's events.  Suddenly, the silence is shattered by your toddler's cries.  The mommy gene immediately kicks in and you jump out of bed faster than a Cheetah chasing it's dinner. You hurry down the hall to your child's room and she is sitting in her bed crying.  "It's okay, baby," You say in a soothing voice.  "What's wrong?"  In a weepy tone she says, "Chickmunks."  You're "Oh, baby, it's okay," face quickly turns into an "are you kidding me, here, kid?" face.  "No, sweetie, you can't watch the Chipmunks.  It's bed time.  You need to go to sleep."  In a beautiful and perfect world your child would smile at you and say, "Okay, mommy," roll over, and go back to sleep. Let's face it, this world is far from perfect and a toddler awake in the middle of the night rarely equals beautiful.  Her mouth opens wide and you brace yourself for the horrible sound you know is coming. She screams as if you are trying to hurt her, "CHICKMUNKS!"  You sigh and lovingly rub her arm. "No.  It's bedtime," you tell her.  Her screaming quiets and you breathe a prayer of thanks that she has calmed down, hasn't woken up her father or brothers, and is going back to sleep. She looks up at you and in a pitiful little voice says, "Candy?"  Ugh. "No, honey, you can't have candy.  It's 1:00 in the morning.  You need to go to sleep."  Oh no!  Here it comes again.  Her mouth forms a frown and then quickly opens, widening, and suddenly your ears are ringing.  She is screaming again.  "CANDY!"  Really?  "Okay, kiddo. That's it.  You may not watch TV.  You may not have candy.  You MAY, however, go to sleep like a good girl. You can watch Chipmunks tomorrow.  Okay?"  You breathe a sigh of relief as her mouth closes, she wipes her eyes and nods. "Hug and kiss," she says.  You lean down and hug her. "One, two, three," she says.  You say, "Okay, one . . ." (she laughs) "two . . . three!" At three she opens her arms wide, releasing her hug and smiles up at you.  You place her favorite stuffed animal by her side and tuck her in.  Then you hurry back to your own warm bed.

You had just fallen asleep when you hear, "Mom?  Mom!"  You jerk awake and look around the room.  Your son is standing beside you, obviously upset.  You jump out of bed again and quickly lead him out of the room so he doesn't wake his father.  Once you're out of the room you ask him what is wrong.  "I had a bad dream," he says as he cries. You go to the living room, sit on the couch, you hold him and say, "Okay, tell me about it."  He tells you every little detail. When he is finished you explain that it was only a dream and a cow walking around on two feet, breaking into children's rooms, and stealing their piggy banks will never happen. Once he is calmed down and smiling you walk him back to his room, tuck him in, kiss his forehead and say, "I love you,"  He says, "I love you, too, mom," and rolls over to go to sleep.  You walk down the hall to your room, and climb back into your bed again.

Not long after you drift off the alarm goes off.  You sigh and slowly crawl out of bed, like a sloth trying to get out of a tub of peanut butter. You stumble down the hall, past the living room to the coffee bar where you pour yourself a cup of coffee.  The first cup is always the best.  You hold your warm mug in both hands and breathe it in, feeling the steam hit your face.  You take a sip and savor it.  The house is quiet. 

The moment doesn't last.  In the distance is a rumbling sound.  You freeze, listening.  There it is again.  Is that thunder?  Suddenly a loud boom echoes through the sky (and through the house).  All three children are now awake nearly 2 hours before they are supposed to be. The toddler is crying, obviously frightened, and keeps saying, "It's raining!" The middle child asks if he can get in bed with his brother because he's scared.  The oldest child says, "No, let's not do that.  I'm up.  Mom, can we just watch TV in our room?"  You shrug your shoulders.  "Sure,"  The boys run back to their room and you put a movie in for you toddler.  She then requests chocolate milk and a Pop Tart and her blankie, of course. Finally, she is happy.  You hurry back to your coffee and take another sip.  Yup, it's going to be another long day. 

I plan to embrace every minute of it (even the earthquakes)! Here's to all the awesome super moms out there!  Have a SUPER weekend! (Come on!  You KNOW you've earned it!) 

Happiness Through Thanksgiving

The older I get the more empathy and thankfulness seem to be dying.

Yesterday morning we heard a man talk about how we should do things without grumbling and complaining.  Wise words!  We all know people who are constantly complaining.  Jacob and I have always taught our children to be thankful for what they have.  No, we don't live in the nicest neighborhood in town (which, honestly, is fine with me). We don't live in a big, fancy house (again  . . . I'm okay with that).  However, we DO have a roof over our heads.  We have food on our table.  We don't sleep on the floor because we have beds; we even have blankets and pillows. My children have clean clothes and shoes.  Indoor plumbing?  Yup, we have that too.  Clean drinking water, fresh air, heating and air conditioning . . . the list goes on and on. We take a lot of things for granted, people!  We have so many things that people in other parts of the world (some right here in our own country) don't have and yet, we pout and complain because we think we deserve more.  Why?  We have what we need and them some!

Children have to be reminded from time to time that not only can they not have EVERYTHING they want, but they also need to stop and take time to be thankful for ALL that they have. I do not want to raise children who expect everything they want and feel depressed when they don't get it. That is no way to live -- and we only have one life. There is so much more to life than the amount of stuff you have! I want my children to look around and see all the things in which they have been blessed. They live in a society that focuses on material gain.  I want my children to be content with what they have and not waste precious time grumbling about what they don't have or grumbling about some one doing something that they didn't like. The truth is that some adults are far worse than children when it comes to this.

Let's stop focusing on what we don't have and start paying more attention to all that we DO have.  Let's stop filling the air around us with constant grumbling and complaining and start finding happiness by being thankful for what we have.  Let's raise a generation of happy children who see what they have instead of what they don't have.

What are YOU thankful for today?

“We would worry less if we praised more. Thanksgiving is the enemy of discontent and dissatisfaction.” 
― Harry A. Ironside

My Life Is a Sitcom

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling exhausted, which isn't the norm for me.  I thought nothing of it, drank my coffee and dived head first into my day (because, hey, I have three kids and you seriously just have to dive in).  We did the usual hustle and bustle of breakfast and getting ready for school and once the boys were at school I came home and knocked a couple of things off my to do list. I played with Kaitlyn for a bit and then put her down for a nap.

Shortly after putting her down I started to feel really fatigued again. I did what most people do.  I shrugged my shoulders and kept doing what I was doing.  Shortly after my chest started hurting.  "It has to be heartburn or something," I thought.  I took some medicine and texted Jacob at work.  Not too long after the chest pains started my right arm started to feel weird.  It felt numb and achy and tingly all at once.  This was definitely not normal.  I texted Jacob again.  I laid on the bed and actually thought, "Am I having a heart attack?"

Jacob, now concerned, called from work.  "Do you need to go to the ER?"  he asked.  I have been to the ER so many times this year that it is really just ridiculous.  I refused to go unless I absolutely had to.  I told him that I didn't think I was having a heart attack, but something wasn't right.  I told him to just go back to work and maybe it would go away.  He was all dressed up and preparing to give a presentation and we made jokes about how it was probably just indigestion.  Not too long after he called I started feeling lightheaded, dizzy, and short of breath.  I texted Jacob again and said, "You know, this isn't right.  Maybe I should get it checked out."  He said, "I'll take you in."

And he did.  I learned that if you walk into the ER and say, "I have chest pains and my left arm feels weird," they move really quickly!  They had me hooked up to 50 different things within minutes. They took X-rays and did lab work.  My blood pressure was low, so they gave me fluids via an IV. One of the RN's came in and asked what my name was, when I told him he said, "Astley?  Like Rick Astley!" and started singing a Rick Astley song.  (It's official.  My life is a sitcom.  Sadly, I'm okay with that! LOL)  After an hour or so the doctor came back in and said, "Your heart is wonderfully healthy."  I sighed in relief.  I mean, come on!  We walk around in these bodies that we are constantly told to take care of and you never know when something is just suddenly going to go horribly wrong.

(The radiologic tech had a speech impairment.  She was sweet and very cool.  I couldn't help but think of my sweet Alex and remind myself that he really CAN do anything he wants when he grows up. He has more than speech to struggle with every day, but he is strong and determined and I KNOW he can be whatever he wants to be! I really enjoyed meeting her!)

I had a sinus infection a few weeks ago which turned into pneumonia.  Apparently, the pneumonia caused inflammation around my heart. The medical term for this is "Pericarditis."  He said that sometimes it can be so inflamed that the heart has trouble beating because it's hitting the inflamed areas, but other than that it isn't too big of a concern.  He reassured me, again, that my heart and everything else was perfectly healthy and told me what to do and what medications to take until this problem goes away.

Jacob got to spend a little extra time with Kaitlyn. We learned a new medical term and learned about a medical condition we had never heard of and I, once again, added a little excitement to our already busy and exciting lives.  This is just how we roll, people. ;)

Last night after dinner Jacob said to the kids, "Your mother is taking the whole 'in sickness and health' thing really seriously."  All I could do was try not to laugh because it was just so funny.  He should get some kind of award for having to put up with me DAILY!  He is awesome and I am so thankful to have him in my life.

Now, on to new adventures!

"Diet" Is A Dirty Word!

    Well, hello there, happy eaters! I have had so many people ask me about my diet.  First of all, let me just say that in our house we don't use the term "diet."  Diet is one of those evil words that just gets people into trouble.  When you diet you cut out bad foods and eat healthy foods for a short period of time.  You get to a point where you can't stand it anymore and you binge.  It's not about dieting.  It's about a life style change. Secondly, I'm not posting this to brag, many have asked about the changes we have made in our diet and it's easier to write it in a blog than to share with each person individually. Thirdly, and quite possibly most important, I'm not judging anyone. It is not my mission to try and get others to eat better or exercise.  To each his own.  This is just a chapter in my story that I thought I'd share since so many have asked about it.

     In our house, Jacob took the lead in healthy eating last fall.  I informed him that I wasn't doing it until after Christmas because there is GOOD food around Christmastime and I didn't want to miss it.  He said, "Okay."  I enjoyed my unhealthy good food all December long and then in January it was time to get serious.  Since Jacob and I decided to make life style changes together it is much easier.  We rarely eat processed meats.  Sadly, things like bacon and deli meat are loaded with fat, salt and nitrates.  We eat meats high in protein but lower in fat--meats that are unprocessed.  We eat whole grain pasta instead of regular pasta. Bye bye white rice . . . hello whole grain rice.  We also said goodbye to salad dressings which are high in fat and calories and offer very little nutritional value. We no longer drink sodas or juice, with the exception of vegetable juice.  We go through 3 or 4 dozen eggs a week (protein, people). We eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables and we have cut out cheese.  GASP!  (Did I really just say that?)  Yes, cutting out cheese, which is full of fat AND cutting out salt was one of the healthier choices we made.  NOW, we DO eat cheese from time to time, maybe once every couple of weeks, but that's it.  We get our calcium and vitamin C from other dairy products as well as vegetables. We no longer eat chips or anything that is processed (with the exception of Goldfish crackers we give to our children, of course--I can no longer stand to eat them because they taste, well, processed).  We completely changed how we eat.  We still eat out from time to time and we'll grill burgers and have fries but not every week.  These changes have not only helped us to lose weight in a healthy way, given us more energy and made us feel healthier, but it has also brought us to a point where we can't stand processed food.  Yes, it's true.  We have become "those" people. It all just tastes weird now.  Even eating out isn't as fun as it once was because everything just tastes greasy or salty.  Jacob has been doing it since October and I have been doing it since January--it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change.  Those foods I just knew I'd miss?  Yeah, I don't miss them at all.

    Along with these healthier eating habits we exercise every day. I'm up by 5:30 and I exercise.   Cardio kickboxing, jumping rope, jumping jacks, chin ups, push ups, riding the exercise bike, lifting weights--it is a stress reliever and it helps wake me up before the day starts.  I now really enjoy it.  I mean, I feel healthier . . . what's not to love.  An added bonus is that our kids are learning to eat healthy and exercise through our example.

Think Happy Thoughts

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert

      Our lives, our decisions, the very thread of our being are ruled by our emotions.  Too often the good emotions are overlooked and the negative emotions tend to control us.  When things are going well we tend to pay no attention to it; yet, when the sidewalk starts to crumble beneath our feet and the sky opens up with cold, sharp rocks of hail that sting with each forceful hit, we come to appreciate those happy times. We long for them.  We cry out and beg to have those sunshine filled days returned to us.  Life presents itself in cycles--waves of good and bad.  Each one taking it's turn--back and forth, back and forth.  We get knocked down and sometimes we feel overwhelmed as wave after wave hits us. Eventually, the waves seem to shrink and we can, once again, laugh and play in small, gentler (dare I say, "happy") waves. 

       This past year has hit my family with wave after wave. Good waves followed by bad waves--back and forth (and so goes the pattern).  We have been covered by waves of relief and happiness and then knocked down by waves of sadness and stress.  There were times when we just wanted to lean back, let the waves pull us under and give up. Life IS hard, but our negative emotions tend to make things seem even worse. Over the past year we have learned just how strong we really are. Kaitlyn had surgery and then had to have a second surgery to fix an issue with the first surgery. Jacob has lost two grandparents in the past year (well, a little over a year). Alex saw even more specialists and had some tests run by a neurologist. We received a diagnosis that we already (sort of) knew about, but it still stung when we got that phone call breathing life into our fears and concerns.  My body was feeling left out so it started having issues of it's own.  I had surgery, have been in and out of the hospital, have had many tests (with more on the way).  The medical stuff is stressful and tiring, then you get the news that everything looks okay and you breathe a sigh of relief.  The relief is short-lived when the bills start rolling in and you're struggling to budget everything in a way that will make it all work.  The list goes on and on. What a year it has been! 

      Waves of happiness exist in this scene as well. We have been met with so many good things: a new town filled with amazing new people who have accepted us as their own, befriended us, encouraged us, prayed for us, loved us, and helped us when we have needed it.  We watched Alex come to life, in a sense, over this past year. We had no rough mornings, no begging not to go to school.  We watched him thrive. We watched his personality grow and we watched him become more outgoing and more sure of himself.  I watched my husband thrive at a higher paying job at a bigger university. 

      The really cool thing I've learned is that you don't have to be a slave to your emotions (the bad ones in any case). Sure we have a ton of medical bills we're having to make payments on and money is tight. There is medical stuff going on and other things as well (such is life). It's a stressful situation and I could sit around and worry, make myself sick over it and just feel sorry for myself. What good does that do, though?  Every storm ends--things won't always be this way. but we have enough to make ends meet--enough to feed our kids.  All of our needs are met. We're healthy.  We have a roof over our heads.  We can pay our bills. Once we learn to see the positive OVER the negative, those sunshine filled days we have been longing for can come back.  

      Focus on those bright spots--big or small.  Sure, bad things happen, but let's not forget to be thankful for the many blessings in our lives! Elizabeth Gilbert said, "Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts . . . "  So, it's simple.  Think happy thoughts, people! ;)  Here's to happy lives! 

Attention Friends

One thing I have learned over the past few years is that relationships change over time (as time becomes less and less available). We are in the same boat--running around like crazy people trying to keep up with life. Most are understanding, supportive and encouraging.  However there are a few who often say hurtful things or become annoyed because you (the friend) aren't contacting them enough (or you contact them one way, trying to make an effort and they get mad that you didn't contact them another way). I'm nice.  It takes a lot to make me no longer want to be nice to you.  Our lives may be the same or we may live in two completely different worlds.  I have a kid who can't play sports, who is still learning to do things that kids his age already know how to do, I have a schedule full of doctor's appointments, therapists, specialists and at home therapy work that keeps me hopping.  Not only this, but I have two other children who also need love and attention and I make sure they get that . . . each and every day. On top of this is the every day life stuff, you know, laundry, shopping, errands, cooking, cleaning and at the end of the day I get to sit with my husband for 30 minutes to an hour before we go to bed.  The next morning, the alarm goes off at 5:30 and we get up to do it all over again. I rarely get time to myself, much less talking to my friends every day. Not only this, but here are a few other things that I would like to share.

Please don't tell me that my son is a reminder that you have been blessed with "perfectly healthy" children.  I know people think that, but you don't say it out loud!  Alex IS perfect just the way he is--and he is an awesome blessing!

Also, don't accuse me of being a bad friend because I can't sit and shoot the breeze all the time.  We all have lives and I don't get annoyed at you when I don't hear from you (or when I DO hear from you all I hear is how busy you are), so please extend the same courtesy to me. I'm not snubbing you or ignoring you, I just have two hands that are very full at the moment and we are just trying to survive!

And, while I'm at it, please don't tell me you're tired of hearing me talk about "special needs."  You talk about your child playing sports, school, losing teeth and winning awards.  That is your world . . . special needs is mine. The older Alex gets the more issues arise and the more things we have to deal with. If you can talk about your child passing gas in the car or laughing so hard that milk comes out her nose, why can't I talk about my child's struggles and accomplishments?  I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to talk about him or that I was supposed to put a paper sack over his head and hide him away somewhere.

All children are blessings.  All parents have their own parenting issues, triumphs and failures to deal with, and we all have busy, crazy lives.  Don't get annoyed at people for not being who you think they need to be--maybe they're just trying to trudge through the muck of life right now and don't need you tossing mud balls at their head while they do it! I never said I was a perfect friend . . . or parent for that matter (Newsflash!  None of us are!). . . so please don't expect me to be!

Most of you will read this and KNOW it doesn't pertain to you. ;)  Yay!  One person said something to me and, well, here we are.  You knew when we became friends that my world was a crazy one, but that doesn't make me any less of a friend.

Oh, and one last thing . . . we're too old for this, man!  Come on!